oh. my. gawd. really? okay, so, you don't wanna call me when you say you will, but, you call me at fucking 1am WHEN YOU KNOW I HAVE WORK THE NEXT DAY to tell me that i'm being a bitch for freaking out about a phone call that i was expecting? LOL. i'm so fucking pissed off, i'm scared my blood pressure is too high and my blood is just gonna come squirting out my eyes. ugh. that stupid son of a bitch had the nerve to call me twice after i had called and left a message telling him he was an inconsiderate bastard and he didn't apologize. LOL. and he was like "yeah, well, i should've called, but, i was at don's." and i was thinking, "you know what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. :)" because guess what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. ugh. i swear to jello that men are just fucking stupid with the exception of a few of my guy friends. speaking of stupid men, more like boys, uh, will fucking woke me up at 7:40am this morning. we have to fucking leave at like 7:35am unless we wanna be like 5 minutes late to work. i HATE being late. it's like one of my worst pet peeves. will doesn't like a fucking alarm in the morning, so, we don't fucking put one on and i told him he needs to wake me up when he gets up. nope. fuck me and what i have to do in the morning. i couldn't even fucking piss this morning. i yelled at him in the car for being inconsiderate. what the fuck is up with people right now? and yeah, i get it. i get how calling someone or waking them up on time could be a really huge inconvenience. LOL. no i don't! i mean, if you say you'll do something, DO IT. oh, and the best past of last night/this morning was alexa telling me that even though i paid for EVERYTHING already, she won't be going to fucking maryland. wow, i just wasted 300$. thanks. i mean, i can't really be mad at her, but, like, wtf? ugh...i'm sick of people expecting me to pay for shit too. just because i make more than anyone else my age doesn't mean i wanna pay for everything we all wanna do. you know? it's like...take responsibility for yourself once in a while. if i offer to pay, that's another thing. i just don't want people taking advantage of me. and i still don't think i was wrong in being mad last night or this morning. i just wanna kill something. ugh. i hate feeling this way, it's so ugly and violent. i'm glad i didn't hit anything. my arms already hurt enough from being wasted saturday night. i was so drunk, i woke up at 8am to pee and i was still tripping over shit and wasted as fuck. yeah, i wish i could be drunk all the time. not. i wish he would call me back so i could yell at him. lol. will works with me and just called me over the work phone to ask me to complete two jobs on the computer, here's the little convo we had:

will: casey?
me: what?
will: complete two jobs for me?
me: [silence for a minute] can you quit being an inconsiderate fuckhead?
will: sorry.
me: well, what are the fucking jobs numbers then?
will: 64972
me: [silence]
will: [silence]
me: um, well, kinda need the other one to complete it, asshole.
will: 64973
me: *hangs up*

LOL. i love when people say sorry and then they keep doing the same shit over and over again. it's like saying "fuck you, i don't give a fuck." if you have the guts to apologize, own up to the apology. don't keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again and then keep making excuses. it's really annoying and rude and i'm so fucking over this shit. i swear i'm gonna explode at someone today. as if i haven't already. i know will's a good guy and he treats me well and blah blah, but, does he have to be so fucking stupid? waking me up on time isn't hard. we NEED these jobs. ugh. i swear, i'm living with two children. this is why i'm never having kids. i hate having to take care of two capaple people. i pay for EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. it would be nice if will paid for groceries or something. or took me out to dinner. this mother fucker keeps saying he wants to marry me and never owns up to that. i'm not a gold digging bitch or anything, but, i'd like a ring. i'd like to go out to dinner every once in a while. i'd like to be treated like a wife instead of just a fuck buddy or a friend. i want so much more in a relationship than anyone i know has to offer. i want to feel special and wanted for who i am. i need attention like 24/7 and i'm not afraid to own up to the fact that i'm kinda clingy, but, i hate when people cling to me. i'm an asshole, but, AT LEAST I OWN UP TO IT. ugh. and at least i'm honest. i hate when people lie, so, i don't lie. it's not hard and yet people feel the need to lie to me like i don't deserve the truth. lol. what a fucking joke. i hate when people say "be the change you want to see in the world," because they have no fucking idea what they're talking about. one person can make a difference, but, it takes a whole lot more than one person to effect the entire world. i want people to stop lying and being dickheads to other people, so, i don't lie and i try my hardest not to be a dickhead. i AM the change i want to see, but, no one follows my example or even listens to me when i say that this world needs to stop being so foolish. it's really frustrating. like, my mom always screams in morning traffic. that's not doing anyone any good and i'm pretty sure i'm half-deaf in my left ear, too. she's so inconsiderate and she acts like the world needs to do her a favor. she wonders why her life is shit and it's because she's acting like a child and she just needs to grow the fuck up. she keeps blaming shit on everyone else but herself and i know she's gone through a lot, but, news flash, babe. EVERYONE GOES THROUGH SOMETHING. it's not like she's the only one who's been abused and shit. i went through the same shit and more than what she went through and i still get outta bed and try to make the best of myself and my day. she's just lost hope and no one can help her unless she wants to help herself and i think even a stranger could tell that she doesn't give a fuck anymore and that she hasn't for a while. i really don't wanna be at work right now seeing that there's nothing to do at all. i have to ask mom if this customer is on hold, but, i really can't be assed because she's in a mood. she's always in a mood. does she know what it's like to work with her? she's so fucking unprofessional it's sickening. i just wanna go home and sleep until i die. that would be good. i enjoy sleeping.

me: "good morning, thank you for calling aci, how may i help you?"
lady: "hi, could you direct me to the credit manager please?"
me: "mmhmm" *transfers to voicemail*

i love being a bitch to people who call in. hahahaha. epic. she was a bullshit call anyway and i don't want mom to yell at me and cause a scene. the stupid bitch called back and asked my coworker for the same shit. haha. i wanna go homeeee. it's not even 10am and i'm already pissed off at everyone here. it could be because i'm in a mood, but, it could also be that everyone here is a douchefag. haha. i don't even wanna try to be in a intimate relationship with anyone now. i just wanna be a cat lady. kitties are cute and lovable. i mean, i just want something to love. why not a cat? they won't leave me at home alone, they won't snore really loud and keep me up all night, they won't not call because cats don't use phones, they won't stand me up or be assholes...it's like having a pet is the perfect replacement for romantic relationships. lol...maybe...just maybe.

i want to go home. i want to sleep. i want to kill something.
i need to go home. i need to sleep. i need to stop feeling like this.
i'm selfish.

Greetings Losers!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

I have taken over the mind of this mere flesh mortal!!!

MUAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!

SIMPLETONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, on the matter of 3D effects: they are nothing compared to the kickass kickassyness of MY night-goggle-vision! It is teeth inhaling crazy to the level of most crack addictions! I have 4-D effects, because where I am from, it. is. AMAZING!

Now, children. Women. Men alike! Listen round to the tale of me, myself, and I.
I was born in the storm on Jupiter, right in the middle of the cloud. I ate cabbage and jellybeans until I turned 21 in which case, due to unexplainable circumstance, I moved to Earth and ATE AUSTRALIANS!!!!!!!!!


Watch out Wisconson, I'm comming for youuuuU!!!!!!!

After I ate all of the Australians, I moved to the far east and began the east indian trade route. While trading, Johnny Depp and I had four-thousand babies and moved to the North Pole where Santa Clause and I opened up the franchise of "gift-giving" where we recieve all profits and give them to...NOT THE POOR! But us, ourselves, and the people we love the most: us.


Bonne Nuit.


Next Time: how I saved Robin Hood.

jesus fucking christ.
i can't fucking take this shit anymore.
i have to fucking force feed her and now she just spits it back out like she fucking WANTS to die.
yeah, i think i wanna die too.

jesus fucking christ, i'm so fucking pissed off.
i want to just slitafuckingthroat.
she's going to fucking die.

I SWEAR TO GOD.
I AM GOING TO DIE.
I FUCKING NEED HER.

fuck this mother fucking world and it's fucking "cycles"
"oh, casey, quit being dramatic, death is a part of life"
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
people have like NO hearts.
fucking cuntassbitch.
'

it's not fair.
i always lose something i love.
i've lost so many good friends, like derek and jake.
they were my fucking blood brothers and they both died.
i didn't even get to say goodbye.
and my dad?
i was fucking four years old.
i've never had a stable father figure.
no wonder why i'm such a fucking screwed up slut.
i'd give anything to fucking bring them back.
and the year my dad died, grandpa died.
left everyone behind.
i fucking hate them for dying.
i'm such an angry person it's not even funny.
people ask me why i cut, i say it's a way of releasing pain, they don't understand, THEY'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
no one i know knows what the fuck is going on with me.
no one understands what i do.
my life has been full of loss and i'm sick of it.
i'd rather fucking lose myself.
people act like i should stfu because i have nothing to complain about.
EVERYONE has SOMETHING to complain about.
mine just happens to be that i lose things.
the one thing i haven't lost has been will.
somewhere along the way, i've lost my best friends, my mother, my nana, everything i hold dear.
i think i'm going to cry now.

FUCK THIS WORLD.
I HATE IT.

EXCITING!!!

So, here it is...

-Will's going to college, well, not physically...online, but at least he's doing it.
-I'm getting another poem published and I'm in the semi-finals for the contest at poetry.com!
-Will's going away for the weekend and I get to miss him, and I get to catch up on my Economics...that I've been procrastinating on for a week. Bad Casey!
-I'm watching Degrassi's 40 Go-Thereiest Moments!!
-SPRING BREAK!
-I'm turning 17!
-I actually thought ALL my friends forgot that my birthday was this month...turns out, no one did. Haha...woops. I should have moe faith. (holds up lighter)
-Wait...I should be doing ECONOMICS!!!

Lol, in the kitchen, when I saw the mail on the counter, I looked at it to see if I had any more college mail and I saw something from poetry.com and on the envelope it said "Your poem is getting published!" or something along those lines. I SCREAMED. It was great. I still can't get over the excitement and I feel great. I mean, I've had one published before, but that was in 4th grade. It was about cats. This time it was about something more real. It was about rape. What a change! Ha, kittens are lovely. Get it? Haha.

Biggest Degrassi shocking moment, GO-THEREIEST MOMENT: J.T. Yorke DIES.

*-mack-* p.s. love you, william.

I am losing my best friend. I've realized over the past months that I'm losing sight of who she is and why she's my best friend. I find myself talking and ranting to other people about her. Things I've already told her, but still. I rant and rave about how I don't like it when her and her boyfriend kiss in front of me and crap. And that I just don't like them dating, but I do respect her decisions. It's her life...apparently, I can't be a part of it anymore. It's been a long time since we've just had a her and me time. A girls' night. I find it awkward to talk to her. It's easier talking to her mom. I find myself disgusted with her at times and I don't know why. We've been snippy over little things. Like, who the 38th president was. I was right, but that's besides the point. The point is, she doesn't spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, she works, she's grumpy and I find myself saying that I hate her. I've said that once, but, it still hit me that I could even say that. She's my sister. Or maybe used to be more of one. I'm trying to grip onto what's left of her. She's changed since this "love". I admit, I've changed since my love, but I just don't get it anymore. I don't see the point. I can never talk to her when I need her, I don't a girlfriend to share my problems with, I have no girlfriend to share happy moments with and I just don't have a plain girlfriend willing to hang anytime I wanna get together. I can't tell her anything anymore. Granted, I understand she has work and has a boyfriend, but, we've grown apart. And are still growing apart. I find myself wondering if she even knows who I am anymore. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. We used to be so close and know everything in eachother's lives. Now I'm the last one to know anything about her life and she's completely oblivious as to what's going on in mine. We don't talk as often. We never get time to. Even though I go over there almost everyday after school. Looks like I'm going shopping for a new girlfriend to talk to. Any takers? -[mack]- ********** p.s. Love ya Stinky. [muah]

<3 <3 <3

At this moment, you mean everything. So, I got a new ringtone on my cell phone. I bet you can't guess what it is! It's from Wakefield...come on, you can do it...."C'mon baby". I love that song. Of course it was the only song they had from Wakefield. I wish I could get a Degrassi ringtone, but they don't have my carrier. (Verizon.) I'm really sweaty. I was dancing and then my mom called, so, I stopped to talk with her, then I told her that the freezer wasn't running right, so she asked me to switch all the food in the stand-up freezer in the garage to the one in the kitchen and throw out any food I wouldn't eat or wasn't good. I pretty much threw away all the gross meats and anything that wasn't good, or I thought had already expired. Before I told her that the freezer wasn't working right, she asked me to put in a load of towels for laundry. Haha, so, I did all that. Now I feel kind of productive. I wish I could clean. I can't because, even though this house is a m-e-s-s, I have no idea where she wants anything. Cleaning the entire house is something my mom is going to have to do. When I have a house of my own with Will, I'll make sure it's clean. He's a slob and will through anything on the floor and leave it there until I pick it up or I yell at him to. His grandfather still does his laundry for him, but I don't blame his grandpa because he's got nothing else to do all day. I want to be a housewife so I can keep the house spick and span. If I'm good enough, I can keep it clean and be a psychologist. (or radiologist.)Haven't decided yet. I wanna be an intern for radiology before I decide to go into that field. But, if neither works out, I'd be a great secretary. I'd love working in an office like my mom does. I don't see why she's going to college to get a better job. We do fine and he job is nice. Her boss treats her right and everyone there loves her. Well...fears her...because she's really a heartless bitch...and will tear anyone who gets in her way to a million kajillion pieces....BUT, her job is awesome. I'd love to do faxes all day. Haha.

Will and I have shopped 2 days straight. I'm going to take the initiative and make him stay home with me and we can find something to do here. Like, tickle fights, and play the sims together. Something fu and unproductive and something that doesn't waste our time and money. Shopping is a waste if you over-abuse it. We're supposed to go to WalMart and Big Lots and the mall tonight, but that just isn't going to fall through, because I wanna stay home. I wanna dance and have fun. Big Lots cuz I wanted to show him a teddy bear and maybe get some snacks and then WalMart cuz I wanna get this one make-up thing they have there and maybe look at jeans or something and then the mall because he wants to go there. We're such mall rats together. I almost convinced him to go to Bealls Outlet with me, but it was too late and they were just closing last night.

I feel light today. I ate some cereal and had a diet coke and I danced and then ata (all of the above.) Hell yeah. We had Taco Hell last night too. It was damn good. I want some right now. Haha, I could eat Taco Bell ALL day. Maybe 24/7. I just LOVE tacos.

Will's mom died on this day. December 28th. I forget which year, but, it makes me sad for him. Even though I know almost exactly what he went through because we both lost our parents because of cancer when we were young, I just don't know what to say to him when he thinks about it. I can tell when he wishes she was here, but, I just can't find the words, so I don't say anything at all. I just remind him why he's here and why he should be here. Funny how twisted fate is.


Will and I are two years apart and we moved to Florida within 2 years of eachother. We both lost our parents and had step parents from HELL, and yet in the end, we both end up forever intwined in the fate that brought us together. It's cosmic. And I believe it's destiny.

We got a little sample paper of Armani Code in the mail. -[mack]- ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* p.s. I love you, Stinky, you're my one and only. p.s.s. RIP Ruth. Your son is in good hands. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

OMG! You would not believe where I am right now! I'm in m mom's office at her work! It's crazy cool. She even let me do faxes for her! That was the shit! Haha, her boss came up and was like "Don't you be looking at the porn young lady, or I'll have to tell your mother". Haha, goofy guy. Anyway, I'm going to be excited about this for a while. I like this office work. 'Tis fun. Okay, NEWS! Yesterday was Christmas. It was fairly good this year. No one fought, got a call from Justin (Jake's brother) and he wished me a merry christmas and said his dad was doing better. That's great. I love Jake's dad. Never met him in person, but I've seen pictures and have carried hour long convorsations with the guy. He's almost like Jake was. One difference, Jake believed in music more than anything. Music=life. That's what we always used to say. I got a cell phone for Christmas, that was my main present. Got lipglosses, make-up stuff, calender, year long passes to BG (Aunt Judy), scrapbooking scissors, photo album, fye $50 giftcard (YAY! I'll spend it all tonight! Haha.) and a make up bag. This is what I got from Will: cute stuffed puppy, cherry blossom lotion and perfume to go with the bath stuff Urian got me, Eragon, and The Circle Opens quartet (Magic Steps...etc.) and that's it from him. I just realized we both got eachother 8 presents. Haha, go us for being predictable and getting the same amount. Anyway, I had a good Christmas altogether. OH! AND UNLCE MIKE MADE ASO RIBS!!!! His ribs are the only ribs I'll eat, ya know. Because they're muy rico! I tired. Time for nappy poo with Gir?? I love the little TACOS! -[mack]- ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* p.s. Stinky, you is the best! Love you!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Again and again and again. So, my beloved is over and I'm already excited for Christmas because he'll be able to be with me. Mom asked me an array of questions this morning about who's coming with whom and why their going where their going and why they aren't going where they're not going. Mom also wants me to go over to Casey's and get my gifts from them. Why not do it when I'm going over there for New Year's? Geez. Not like I can't wait 5 days later for my presents. 7 days, whatever. Anyway, I'm in my room listening to Kelly Clarkson and Will's right next to me. He corrected my timing on the days. Case thinks I'll like my present. I'm sure I will. It's the thought that counts. I hope Sam liked her leopard thong... -[mack]- p.s. Me loves you STINKY!!!


MMMMMMMMERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and seasons greetings to others. I know some jewishses...? whatever. ho ho hoe.

Okay, so, I don't have much time to post cuz I'm at Maria's house, but I HAVE to say that going to Epcot with the chorus from our school was FANTASTIC!!! I had so much fun, even though I had a really bad headache. I've been getting those a lot lately, and my mom and I think it's because of my Chiari Malformation. [Growth on my brain stem.] Anyway, so I'm going to the doctor on Friday morning at like 8am. My week is SUPER busy. Casey wanted to know if I was coming over before Christmas because they had a present for me. I'm so glad that they think of me. Makes me feel special, you know, like I'm part of the family. So, I helped Maria wrap some presents. I have NO idea what I'm getting for Christmas, except for the fact that I'm getting a cell phone. I put it on my list, and I over heard my mom talking. Bad on her part cuz she talked about all this while I was in the room. I mean, I was like 3 feet away. Maybe she thought I couldn't hear her or something. Anyway, Maria wants me to show her my page. Cya!!! -[mack]- ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ p.s. she has the squigglies!! p.p.s. I love my Stinky! I don't get to see him until Thursday/Friday! WAAAA!!!!!!!!!! <><><><><><> <3 <3

"Jinkies" isn't who I thought she was! The Humane Society called me and said that Jinkies wasn't the one at the PetsMart store, so, they're looking up her name for me. I truly hope she wan't adopted. I NEED THAT CAT! Yeah, well, okay, I'm going to go play the Sims, c ya!

-[mack]- ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* p.s. These orange slices are gross! BLECK! <3 <3 <3